Do you ever love someone so much that you wish you could go back in time, and experience things over, this time with the knowledge of the love you would feel?
Take my son, Jayden, for example. Obviously I love him, always have from day one. But in those first few months, I was recovering from a c-section, sleep deprived, learning to be a mom. Then we moved out of state. Then his dad and I separated, and we moved back to Florida. Although that happened 7 years ago, it seems like it was just yesterday. Where has my baby gone? The one with the chunky cheeks, chubby hands, who needed me for every little thing. Sometimes it seems like life is just homework, chores, dealing with anxieties, running errands, and yes, a little laughter mixed in. But am I just letting life fly by, missing those precious moments of mommy and son time?
Basti. My sweet brindle boy Sebastian. First dog of my very own. He loved me and I loved him. But if I knew his life was going to be cut short, if I knew the last months of his life were going to be so hard, I would go back in time. I would love him more, and better. I would give him more hugs and kisses. Because 9 years wasn’t long enough. And sometimes, I feel like I didn’t do it right.
My grandpa. He passed away very unexpectedly, when I was about 11 or so. He lived in England, so I didn’t get to see him often, but my love for him was strong. He was someone who made everyone feel special. My grandpa used to say things like “you’re my favorite third granddaughter” and even though you eventually realize that you are the only said grandson/daughter, you still feel extra special. Even though he passed away 20 years ago, I still remember his face, and his smile, and his gray hair, and his silly excited sounds he’d make as he was playing games in the yard with us. I still remember how excited I would feel to come off of that very long plane ride, and see him and my Granny standing there waiting for us. If I knew that hug would be the last, I would have squeezed harder and tried to remember every detail about him that I could.
I think about these things, and my current pups. Lucy has been loved from the day I saw her face. I picked her out as a puppy from an online website, and drove to adopt her. Oscar, he was different. Though the intent was to “probably adopt”, he was coming in as a foster dog through the rescue. I knew that if he didn’t fit in well, that we’d be adopting him out. He fit in right away, and we loved his sweet demeanor, but I didn’t officially adopt him for a couple of months. I also didn’t realize just how young he was. The shelter originally said he was a year old, but I think he was closer to puppy hood. I wish I would have realized that, and reveled in his puppy-ness.
I hope I will remember, at least one time each day, to stop and enjoy a moment. To remember that these days fly by quickly, and one day my little boy will be all grown up, my pups will turn old and gray. I love them so much, and I want to make sure they feel that love every day.
Have a wonderful weekend, friends!